Ryan Byrne: Comedic Human

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"Aw yeah, gurl, I. AM. DOWN. To. FUUUUCK.
Unless you’re my grandma. Then I’m saving myself for marriage.
Are you my grandma?”
- Shockingly, my online dating profile wasn’t the panty dropper I expected it to be

I like to brag about my sex drive. The other day I was all:

"Baby, I last so long by the time I’m done your pasta pass will have expired… y’know that Olive Garden promotion… no, I know you don’t like Olive Garden that’s not relevant to the analogy… it lasts a month… yeah that seems too long to have sex, I was using hyperbole. I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK HYPERBOLE IS AN INEFFECTUAL RHETORICAL DEVICE! GOD, THIS IS WHY MY MOM HATES YOU TAMMY. GOD."

Heroes

My Impression of Heroes, seasons 2+
"I’m a good guy, now I’m a bad guy, now I’m good a gain, now I’m a horse neigh! Now I’m a writer that mistakes confused character motivations for nuance and emotional depth.”

Upcoming Show Alert!

Thursday the 18th I’ll be performing at the Krush It Comedy Contest. Tickets are $5 and all proceeds go to The Bear’s Children Fund. Show starts at 8.

Monday September 22 I’ll be at the Comic Strip. I don’t know how much tickets are because I can give away 10 free ones! Show starts at 7:30.

I just found out that Wednesday September 24 I’ll be performing at the first round of the Young Guns comedy contest. It’s at the Ranch and I believe the show starts at 8.

You guys can come… or not… whatever (I’M PLAYING HARD TO GET BUT IT WOULD BE NICE FOR SOME PEOPLE I KNOW TO SHOW UP).

Sep 6

A new trailer for The People That Touch Your Food finale!

Sep 4

I was raised Catholic but I’m not anymore, but I try not to be a dick about it. I often fail. Like once I was visiting family and someone asked me if I was going to my cousin’s baptism and I said “No, I’ve seen enough people get doused in magical Jesus water.” and my super religious grandmother was standing right behind me.

I’ve never been so thankful that the ravages of time had taken someone’s hearing.

Sep 3

Sure everyone loves that Little Rascals 20th anniversary photo, but when I dig up the skulls of the original Little Rascals for a 90th anniversary photo shoot I’m a monster

I took Zimbio’s “Which ‘Boy Meets World’ Character Are You?” and I got sad nostalgic loser who can’t move on from a show that ended 14 years ago and as I get older that number gets bigger and my love of that show gets sadder. Then I die. But Boy Meets World, Boy Meets World lives on.

I mean Minkus. I got Minkus.

List of Ninja Turtles movies, in order of excellence:
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
2. TMNT (2007)
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze (1991)
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
5. Some online animated fan film where April gets gangbanged by the turtles while Shredder defecates on Splinter’s chest.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Aug 7

I like in movies when someone says “prepare to meet your maker” because who knew that hitmen were so religiously tolerant? It’s never “prepare to meet our maker” or “prepare to meet the maker”.

It’s like sure I’m going to kill you but I’m not a monster.