Ryan Byrne: Comedic Human


I took Zimbio’s “Which ‘Boy Meets World’ Character Are You?” and I got sad nostalgic loser who can’t move on from a show that ended 14 years ago and as I get older that number gets bigger and my love of that show gets sadder. Then I die. But Boy Meets World, Boy Meets World lives on.

I mean Minkus. I got Minkus.

List of Ninja Turtles movies, in order of excellence:
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
2. TMNT (2007)
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze (1991)
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
5. Some online animated fan film where April gets gangbanged by the turtles while Shredder defecates on Splinter’s chest.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Aug 7

I like in movies when someone says “prepare to meet your maker” because who knew that hitmen were so religiously tolerant? It’s never “prepare to meet our maker” or “prepare to meet the maker”.

It’s like sure I’m going to kill you but I’m not a monster.

Aug 6

"You don’t know boy, I’ve done things, seen things, in ‘Nam. Things you couldn’t imagine. Horrible things…it was a nightmare, it was hell."

Losing my leg overseas was worth it for the best “yo mama” set up in history.

My fiancee is out of town, time for some classic Ryan Byrne

I was doing a comedy show once at Wunderbar in Edmonton and after I performed I remember one of the hosts saying, on stage, “I don’t even really like stand-up comedy”.

I like to imagine that going into the show which he had helped put on for more than a year he was like “Yeah, stand-up, yet another great comedy format.” and then after I performed he was all “Stand-up is dead and life is worthless”.

In reality, I don’t think he said it right after I performed. It might have even been before I performed. And it was probably a belief he had held for a long time. But I like to think I caused that reaction because if I can’t be good at comedy I want to be so bad that it shakes people’s faith in the entire art form.

I have the best idea for a new reality show: “Fictional Canadian Girlfriends of Orange County High’s AV Club”.

Passive Aggressive Settlers

I feel like the phrase “White Man’s Burden” was just adding insult to injury… er, genocide.

"Don’t you guys understand? Repopulating all this land we took will be such a pain!”

"We didn’t ask to be the most important humans, God just made it so. If we could we’d just lay back let you genocide us. That would be so much easier."

"Hey do you think the cognitive dissonance required to create a country using the language of liberty but built with structural inequality that won’t be dismantled for more than 200 years is easy?"

Jul 6

So… I bet Germany doesn’t use the phrase “greatest generation” to describe that era of history, huh?

Jul 5

"Like a bridge over troubled water, I will collapse under the strain of everything and kill dozens" Careful editing turned Paul Simon’s desperate cry for help into a hit.

"Still crazy after all these years" wept Paul Simon, feeling like years of experimental anti-psychotics ended in nothing but wasted money and time.