Ryan Byrne is a writer, director, editor, and sometimes performer based out of Edmonton Alberta. He's the co-writer/director of award-winning web series "The People That Touch Your Food" and can be heard on the "Robocop vs. The Nazis" podcast. He doesn't know how to design a website, so he has a tumblr.


McDonalds-New Kid | Retro Junk Commercial

I remember this commercial from when I was a kid, it was like “Oh McDonald’s seems so fun there totally won’t be an asshole shift manager named Biff forcing you to work unpaid overtime or pressuring teenage workers into touching his wang in the meat cooler.”

As an adult I see this commercial and think, “What happened to this guy? Did he invest everything in pets.com? Did a Nigerian prince ask for his 401(k)?” He seems like he should be set for his golden years but is instead toiling at the golden arches to keep from losing his house.


I once saw a personal ad on craigslist which was a guy looking for another guy to go to a rub and tug with him. I can’t decide if he’s the loneliest man in the world or the cheapest. I will always wonder if I should feel bad pity his solitude or admire his frugality.

Bad Regrets

At the beginning of Bad Dudes when asked if you’re a bad enough dude to save the president, there should have been an option to select “no”.

Then your character returns to his old job at the accounting firm, living out his days filing expense reports and wondering “…what if?”.

Legal Fact: A technique for acquittal in an arson trial is the “Joel Gambit” in which the defendant sings the entirety of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” based on a 1991 statute. It’s employment is rare because any mistake in the lyrics is an immediate admission of guilt.

I don’t use PornHub because it doesn’t have a section for women slowly mixing cupcake batter in their underwear. I mean the batter is in the underwear, the women are dressed like chefs. Obviously.

Remember nominations for this award are out so if you enjoy my videos (Ryan Byrne and his ProductionsThe People That Touch Your Food) or the things I say on twitter go ahead and nominate me. As I don’t make much money from this, tiny accolades are all I have to hope for.

Oh and the love and respect of my friends and family. But who needs that when there are medals to be hoped for? (and ultimately lost, because let’s face it I’m not that talented).


Road Opener

So I was in Vancouver recently and I came up with a new opening joke for when I am in other cities. I say “I’m from Edmonton, which comes from Cree meaning ‘Sucks-at-Hockey’”. I’m not sure if this joke is hacky or just racist.

And what’s worse, I don’t know which would be worse. To have people say “He’s brilliant comedically, it’s a shame that he’s a racist.” or to have people say “He’s a hack, but at least he doesn’t dehumanize other cultures into cartoon cliches.”

I’m just kidding, I know being a racist would be worse, Especially since there is no such thing as a comedically brilliant racist, despite what Jeff Dunham fans would tell you.

Billion Dollar Idea

Documentary Idea: “Trans Farmers: Focusing on lives of transgender people who are also farmers in the midwest US.”

Release it one week before Transformers IV to:

1. Make a huge profit,

2. Educate youth on transgender issues, and

3. Make transphobic douchebros very uncomfortable as they wonder where the robot cars are.

I was going to make a joke about getting the Anti-Life equation for Christmas, but realized that not everyone spent their holidays drinking alone in their parents darkened basement watching Justice League Unlimited because they don’t have the courage to confront their Uncle Ron about the naked tickle fights he used to force you into when you were 11 and just on the cusp of blossoming into manhood.