Ryan Byrne: Comedic Human

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I was doing a comedy show once at Wunderbar in Edmonton and after I performed I remember one of the hosts saying, on stage, “I don’t even really like stand-up comedy”.

I like to imagine that going into the show which he had helped put on for more than a year he was like “Yeah, stand-up, yet another great comedy format.” and then after I performed he was all “Stand-up is dead and life is worthless”.

In reality, I don’t think he said it right after I performed. It might have even been before I performed. And it was probably a belief he had held for a long time. But I like to think I caused that reaction because if I can’t be good at comedy I want to be so bad that it shakes people’s faith in the entire art form.

I have the best idea for a new reality show: “Fictional Canadian Girlfriends of Orange County High’s AV Club”.

Passive Aggressive Settlers

I feel like the phrase “White Man’s Burden” was just adding insult to injury… er, genocide.

"Don’t you guys understand? Repopulating all this land we took will be such a pain!”

"We didn’t ask to be the most important humans, God just made it so. If we could we’d just lay back let you genocide us. That would be so much easier."

"Hey do you think the cognitive dissonance required to create a country using the language of liberty but built with structural inequality that won’t be dismantled for more than 200 years is easy?"

Jul 6

So… I bet Germany doesn’t use the phrase “greatest generation” to describe that era of history, huh?

Jul 5

"Like a bridge over troubled water, I will collapse under the strain of everything and kill dozens" Careful editing turned Paul Simon’s desperate cry for help into a hit.

"Still crazy after all these years" wept Paul Simon, feeling like years of experimental anti-psychotics ended in nothing but wasted money and time.

Awkward Confession: This episode of the Simpsons always gives me a boner, I mean not in a weird way, like puppy murder isn’t a turn on for me.
Once I was engaging in bedroom activities with a lady (of the oral sexing variety) and this song came on just as things were reaching their peak (I mean an orgasm).
I mean it’s a little weird that I would put that song on my sexy times playlist.

Awkward Confession: This episode of the Simpsons always gives me a boner, I mean not in a weird way, like puppy murder isn’t a turn on for me.

Once I was engaging in bedroom activities with a lady (of the oral sexing variety) and this song came on just as things were reaching their peak (I mean an orgasm).

I mean it’s a little weird that I would put that song on my sexy times playlist.

Princess Diaries

My fiancee made me watch Princess Diaries 2 last night. I wish they’d used the alternate ending where Anne Hathaway murders her grandmother at her coronation to consolidate power and declare it the dawn of the era of blood.

Well played, Coors.

Well played, Coors.

Hostess is unamerican.
(says a Canadian)

Hostess is unamerican.

(says a Canadian)

Jun 9

Recently in the news there has been a lot about the “Open Carry Movement”, gun owners hanging out with their guns in restaurants and how some restaurants (like Chilis) are banning firearms. I think this is a good thing, because the shitty food at Chilis alone is enough to cause a killing spree, might as well keep people from having the means to do so.

Sure, it’s legal in these states to carry a firearm publicly, but it being legal doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole for doing it. I could give my boss the middle finger and tell him to go fly a kite because he’s a horrible little troll that makes my life miserable, perfectly legal, and my company would be well within its rights to ask me to leave and never come back.

If gun owners have issues with this they have no one to blame but other gun owners. Open carry makes people uncomfortable because whenever you see a news article that starts with “Gunmen Storm…” it’s always a bad thing, like “Gunman Storm School, Killing 5”. It’s never “Gunman Storm Chipotle… Have Pleasant Meal” or “Gunman Storm Petting Zoo to Give Kids Free Ice Cream”.

Man, now I want some ice cream.